Separation Anxiety, the Cure UPDATED!

Dear Darcie, So this will work on my dog with general anxiety…fear of noises, certain people, certain dogs, random things on random days? Loflin

Dear Loflin,

That’s a loaded question. I don’t know if it will work for your dog. I wish I could tell you without a doubt that it will. I’ve had good luck using it for all of those reasons. I don’t know if it’s the answer to everything and I don’t know if it’s the answer for every dog. It seems to be a breakthrough for a lot of dogs for what I believe to be a stress related memory somewhere deep inside them. Something like this is used for human children, I don’t know if it’s 100% effective for them, either. It’s the only way I know of to release that memory and give the dogs peace and a chance for a life without fear. People go to hypnotists or live with hugging new parents who won’t give up on the kids, dogs go into arms and into deep sleep waking to comfort and safety.

You might try everything else first to cure the problems that your dog is having. Here are some ideas. Anxiety Wrap has done wonders for dogs fearful of noises. Meeting people who are kind and have treats is a great way to cure fear of people, get outside and start walking, ask everyone to give your dog a treat, “Would you give my dog a treat, please?” Most people will. Know first that your dog is not a biter, that would be a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Join an agility group, that’s one of the most fun and best ways to teach your dog confidence, it’s amazing what happens to dogs when they have a focus and fun at the same time. Make a play date with a kind, confident dog who likes other dogs, do it every week, then find more dogs.

In my opinion, random things don’t exist in the dog world. Figure out what the specific “thing” is on any given day and work on that. Dogs are very specific about what bothers or scares them.

Talk to a pet communicator. Some of them seem to have an amazing ability to communicate with the animals. Get references, some of them are complete frauds and will walk away laughing with your money. Some are genuine and may help your dog tell you what’s going on.

My best advice is to start clicker training and decide what you want your dog to do. By that I mean, you know what you don’t want him to do, what do you want him to do instead? Instead of shaking and trembling when he hears a noise, do you want him to chase a ball or target your hand or sit quietly and stare at you? When he sees a strange person, do you want him to say hello and get a treat or target your hand or chase a ball or simply ignore the person? What he does is completely up to you. You are in control. You will teach him that when he is with you, he is safe and protected. You won’t let any harm come to him. That is a huge head start to having a confident dog.

Start clicker training, search at SitStay.com for “clicker”. It’s fun for everybody, it’s fast, and you’ll be amazed at the behaviors your dog wants to do instead of being fearful.

Please put the time in to try these things first, give it 90 days and see what happens. I wish you all the best. Hugs to your dog!

Darcie

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Dear Darcie, Thank you so much for this exercise! I know that you sent it to me privately because I was begging for help, now you have to share it with other people! Our vet told us that our dog was in good health before but that she would never make a good house dog with her level of anxiety. Her separation anxiety was wearing us out. Now still two months after doing it your way, we can go anywhere, any time and when we come home, she’s a normal happy dog waiting in her crate. You were my last plea. My family and I cannot thank you enough. Jo

WARNING from Darcie: This is not an alpha roll. You are not working to dominate the dog. You are releasing what I believe is a memory of stress. Please do not try this exercise unless you are gentle and have a bucket load of patience and time, at least all of one day and a night for the first round. You must be strong enough to control your dog without hurting her. Tell everyone in your house and within ear shot what you are doing so they don’t panic. Your dog may get very loud. Tell everyone to stay calm and breath evenly. Have your dog checked by a vet before you begin this exercise. Make sure that the problem is separation anxiety and not illness or injury.

Dear Jo,

I’ve hesitated to share this with the world. Too many people will give up part way through, they won’t have the heart to stay calm and quiet. And some might get mad or frustrated and hurt the dog. It’s hard to listen to the dog begging to get down. If they let the dog down before it’s completed, they fail and the dog goes right back to it’s anxiety laden ways or with more reason not to trust humans.

I’m making it public only because so many people have had such good luck and dogs lives are being saved. Please, Everyone, you have to follow through. I know it’s hard but you have to follow through to the end. Clear your calendar.

This is not an alpha roll. You are not dominating the dog. You are helping the dog release what I believe is a memory of fear and stress. Children who are raised without cuddling and a mother’s heart beating close to theirs often cannot stand the touch of a human. Hugging is one of the ways they ‘train’ the child to accept love. This is doing it for the dog.

I’m so glad it worked for you and your dog. I know that you were concerned that if you took her back to the rescue that she wouldn’t get a new home again, that she would be euthanized.

There are other trainers who use a version of my almost 50 year old technique, none that I know of go quite as far as I do with the relaxation technique. I learned this when I was just a little, bitty kid. One of our dogs was crazy wild, jumping on people, chasing livestock, couldn’t be trained, nipping and biting, hyper, hyper, hyper. Dad said if we didn’t calm him down, he was going to shoot him. (Maybe I’ll write the book about my Dad someday.)

My sister was playing with her dolls, hugging and rocking them. I didn’t like to play with dolls, I preferred a warm body and a steady heartbeat in my playmates so I chose horses and dogs. Anyway, as I was watched my sister playing with her dolls, I had an idea. I watched as she became a little mother, calm and patient, quiet and rocking. It looked and felt right. I wrapped our young dog in a baby blanket and held him upside down in my arms, just like holding a baby. He struggled and fought me, he screamed, he howled. I held tight and prayed for strength to hold him. Mom called me to come and eat. I looked up and pleaded with her. “He’ll die,” I whispered. She wiped her hands on her apron and went back inside. I missed two meals and the dog lived.

I think this exercise I do may unlock a memory of stress and allow it to release from the body. I’m told that premature human babies often show stress and anxiety by holding their hands in front of their faces, fingers splayed and rigid as if they are holding off the whole world. I’ve seen video of preemie babies doing this, it breaks my heart. I see it in the dogs during this exercise so I think maybe it must be true.

Separation Anxiety. Is there really a fast cure? I’ve done this with four dogs who had total and uncontrollable separation anxiety and it’s worked each time. Four times does not mean it’s a cure and four times is far from a scientific or medical test. You will still have to work with your dog daily to keep that stress memory released. Working with them means, crate training, helping them not be so anxious when you leave, teaching your dog that you will come back, how to be alone and how to comfort themselves. Tons of trainers and books talk about how to do that. Even I have written about it. I won’t put that into this post, it will get too long. Do your research on day to day before you do this exercise. Please. You have to be ready to carry through the day by day work.

This exercise seems to break through to the ‘memory’ and some how it calms the dog, it gives a faster start on repairing your dog’s ability to cope. The most recent case I’ve worked with is our own spirited Frankie, Black Lab Border Collie mix. I did this to her twice. The first time took four hours. The second time took thirty five minutes. I held her in my lap last night and she was quiet and calm.

Remember when Frankie was so sick when we first got her last spring? The vet’s office said she screamed until she wore herself out to finally sleep. She woke up screaming. They wanted to sedate her but couldn’t because of her illness. When Kent picked her up, she was screaming and so happy to see him. He could not calm her unless she was pressed up against his body, even then, she did not sleep soundly, always on the alert. Every time he moved, she alterted and moved, too. Frankie had been in a total state of panic for days.

When Frankie first came home from the vet, she had separation anxiety so terrible that she would scream at the top of her lungs non stop if we left the room. She was velcro dog. She had to be touching us for comfort, constantly. If we turned to walk away from her, she would begin screaming again. She could not nap, she could not relax, she could not stop screaming. She was loud, screaming, crying, clawing and digging at us and her crate and play pen, she was no longer house trained. She had suffered a complete meltdown at the vet where she was quarantined in a metal crate, without enough human companionship. She had been house trained when she got sick but had to potty in her crate at the vet’s office. The vet said the crates were made for that, they couldn’t take her outside because of the quarantine, I can tell you how upsetting that was for all of us. She was not able to rest. Her anxiety was totally disrupting our household. We were heartbroken for her. She was nine weeks old.

To do this exercise, you will need these tips:

1. Nothing but time and a chair. No baby blanket needed. Just you and a naked dog. I like to use a rocking chair. Any comfortable chair or couch will do, you’re going to be there a while so get comfortable. Do not sit on the floor, it doesn’t seem to work as well.

2. Do not call your dog to you for this exercise. Go get her and lift her into your arms. Do not talk.

3. You do not have to wait until your dog is showing signs of anxiety to do this.

4. I like to do it in an early morning. After the dog has eaten and pottied outside.

5. Go to your mirror now. Relax your face and eyes. Now squench them up like you’re angry. Relax again. Soften your face and your eyes, like you’re looking at a new born kitten. “Ah, how cute and soft”. This is the face and eyes you want your dog see.

Here’s how I do it:

Pick up my dog. Sit in my comfy chair, dog in my lap. (Do not sit on the floor, that doesn’t seem to work as well, besides you might be here for hours, be comfortable.) Hold the dog on her back like a baby in my arms, head in the crook of one arm. Restrain her, she cannot get up. She has to stay on her back. Do not grip or hold tightly to her body or legs. Use her body weight to keep her on her back. I can keep a dog on her back with a gentle touch against her legs, if she can’t turn over, it’s easier for her not to get up. Keep a gentle pressure with my arms and body, she has to feel like she won’t fall. Rock my body just a little bit, just like rocking a baby. I do not talk. I do not make noises. Stay silent. I do not make eye contact with the dog. I do not sing. I stay quiet and breath deeply and softly, even and slow.

The first goal is for the dog to go to sleep and relax it’s front feet. The front feet when relaxed, when you have finally broken through the stress memory, will hang loosely, total relaxation. Watch the front feet and legs. During most of this exercise you will see that same stress human babies show, the legs out straight, the toes splayed and spread out. Frankie held her paws near her face at first, then as she went to sleep, her legs relaxed and finally the front toes drooped, then dropped completely limp and quiet.

If the dog wakes on her own, continue to hold her until she falls asleep again. I don’t know if there is a time limit on how long they should stay asleep but for me, I have to know that they are finally resting, completely and deeply asleep. The front toes and legs completely limp. Wiggle just a little tiny bit to see the legs swing, asleep and quiet. With Frankie, I let her sleep for thirty minutes. Then I woke her up.

When the dog is completely sound asleep. Wake her gently. Softly say something like, “Hey, Baby. Wake up, Sweetie. You did really good. Let’s get down.” Then gently let her down with all four feet on the floor.

Do it again next morning. I’ve never had to do this screaming and struggling exercise more than two times.

Frankie screamed and screamed. At one point about three hours into it, I wondered if it was going to work with her. I held firm to my belief and sure enough, she went to sleep, I woke her and set her down. She was a different dog.

Frankie is house trained, crate trained, easy to work with and has a drop dead recall. She’s a lover dog.

[By the way, this has also worked on a lot of dogs for me, not only for separation anxiety but also for dogs who don't want to work in training sessions, who are destructive, can't be crate trained, barkers, and fearful dogs. It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while I'll come across a dog who is not food motivated and has no interest in obedience training or people either as a general rule, it works for them, too. After this exercise, the dog is happy to be with me and happy to train. A wagging tail, easy and flexible front legs with a play bow, and a loose and floppy tongue, are the best indicators of a happy dog.]