The Dish by Darcy

A friend of mine just told me that she used to be a bully. A big time bully. She was the kid on the school grounds who said nasty things, made fun of everybody. She teased the other kids and laughed when they cried. She was bad. She continued to be a bully until she was almost thirty years old. She pushed people around and didn’t have any real friends. She hung around with other mean kids. She didn’t like them. They didn’t like her. She hated herself. I was so shocked to learn this about her, I’ve known her for a long time. She’s a perfectly nice, giving person and I love her. She runs her own successful business and she gives to her community, she’s just a model of respect. So we talked about it. How did she get to be a bully? How did she change? What made her want to change her life? This story of how won’t shock most of you, I was not the least bit surprised.

The subject came up when we were talking about what we were like as children. I was the kid who stood between the little kids and the bullies when they couldn’t or wouldn’t stand up for themselves. I took a lot of hits and rough talk, it was hard. The schools I went to and what size they were doesn’t really matter to the story. There are sad, picked on kids and bullies everywhere. What does matter is that anybody can make a mistake and change, even if they’ve lived most of their life doing something wrong. People and dogs can and do make a difference, they can change the world. It would be better if people hugged and accepted their kids and all kids started out standing up for each other and gave each other friendship, then we wouldn’t have a bullying problem, but that’s not always the way of things. Better late than never.

Most of the time I stood between the bullies and the little kids but one day I did a really bad thing. I was a closet shy kid. I appeared to be outgoing, I was included in everything only because we didn’t get to choose up teams, but I couldn’t initiate a conversation with kids I didn’t know if it had saved my life. We moved to a new school when I was about ten years old and on a dare, I tripped a girl. She was walking by, one of the girls I was sitting by said “I dare you to trip her” and I stuck out my foot. It still shocks me today that I did it and I did it without thinking. She didn’t get hurt physically but I saw the pain in her face. I would give anything to take that back. It wasn’t like me to hurt somebody and it haunted me until I apologized. It’s important that you know that about me, I know a little bit about what it feels like to be a bully because of that. After that happened, I reinforced my stand against bullies and hopefully maybe changed someone’s life.

My friend’s father was hard on her at home. Yelling, spanking, degrading, belittling, correcting. Things he may have thought were his duty as a dad. She’d tried talking to her mom about it once. Mom shooed her away, go, scoot, go play. She overate, she hated herself. It didn’t occur to my friend as a child to talk to another adult and get some help, that’s not an easy thing for a kid to do. She didn’t have any friends she could trust, she felt alone and unloved. She took her anger and her hurt out on kids smaller than she was. There were times that she felt terrible even as she was tormenting someone but usually, she said, it felt good to hurt somebody else. It felt good to be mad. There was something about telling a kid that they were ugly or making fun of the way they talked or the clothes they wore or simply turning away when someone spoke to her, that made her feel better, bigger. It made her feel powerful, gave her some control.

One day when she was in her thirties she literally ran into Judy who’d gone to school with her. My friend was coming fast round a corner and they bumped into each other. My friend said something like, “Hey, watch where you’re going, stupid.” Judy stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute. I know you. You were that horrible girl from grade school who nearly ruined my life. You were so mean.” My friend stopped, too, and they began to talk.

Judy told my friend how she’d gone home day after day in tears, feeling bad about herself because of the teasing. Her mother didn’t know what to do to help her. Kids tease and bully all the time don’t they, should a parent try to help or should they let their kids work it out? Mom didn’t know. Anyway by the time Judy got to high school she was thinking about suicide. A teacher at school invited her to bring the family dog to a play date with some other dogs. That was the turning point in Judy’s life. She watched her dog play with other dogs and she laughed. Right along with everybody else. She began to open up to other people and started to enjoy her life. She began to understand that she was worthy. She started to love herself. Acceptance does that.

Judy forgave my friend instantly. She invited my friend to join her dog’s play group. And after a while, after the laughter and the sharing, my friend forgave herself, too. Today she is forgiving and caring and says she’ll take the rest of her life to make up for what she did wrong. She makes a new friend whenever she meets new people. She helps and gives regularly to her community. She hasn’t yet found all the kids who she bullied, she’s still looking. She wants them to know that she’s sorry. And she wants them to know that letting a bully hurt you or being a bully can mess up your life for a very long time. She wants them to know that they can turn it around, that they can have a happy life. Her hope is that everyone will have someone to care for them and to tell them that they are loved. Someone to laugh with, someone who accepts them. Someone to talk to.

Go out of your way. Whether you were the bully, the one who was bullied, or the one who ignored it all, talk to somebody today. Love yourself, forgive somebody else. Make a new friend. And take your dog with you.

I wish you love,

Darcie Krueger
President
SitStay.com