The Dish by Darcie

“When my dog won’t do something for me, I get mad and hit her. Well, it’s not really hitting, it’s more of a slapping only I do it until she is cowering and quivering and that makes me more mad. Now she won’t come to me any more and when I try to pet her, she ducks her head or slinks away. It’s so frustrating. I thought dogs were forgiving? This happens with my husband-to-be too. What can I do? “- (name withheld on request)

I rarely choose a question like this one because we like to have a lot of fun with questions and adding humor to The Dish makes it more fun. I can’t let this pass, it’s too important. And it’s not the least bit funny. I talked to this woman for some time and my heart was hurting when I hung up the phone. A great imagination can be a curse; I can still see that poor dog wishing he was anywhere else but at her hand.

I’m not a psychologist but I play one in the office with the dogs and sometimes with people. I tend to look to the seed of a problem. What causes what? What happened first? This thought process doesn’t always go over well with the people who love me; they say it’s often not that simple. Too black and white. Too basic. And sometimes they’re right; sometimes the start seems too easy and sometimes too hard. But you know what? Sometimes there really is a simple start to a good solution.

The simplest start is to remove the dog, find a foster parent. And then go talk to a therapist. Then stop hitting. You may not be able to stop on your own. Find out why you hit. And if you want things to change for you, stick with that therapist until you find out why.

The husband-to-be will have to fend for himself, I fear. I do suggest that he scoop up the dog and go running into the street to look for a safe haven, praying that you will be well again. We can help and support people we love without presenting our bodies and spirits as their punching bags. He doesn’t have to leave you completely to help you, he probably does need to get himself and the dog out of harms way for a while. People who abuse do recover, a new start sounds pretty good right now, doesn’t it? Love can conquer a lot of things.

You have what experts like to call an “abusive relationship” with your dog and your person. Abuse can be slapping, hitting, verbal, negligence and a lot of other things. One is no better than the other although the physical nature of your slapping may cause a physical injury like broken limbs, hearing loss, and emotional fear trauma. Maybe you were abused as a child, maybe you saw it happen to someone else, or maybe you’re just angry about something you can’t change and want to take that anger out on someone else.

Hitting causes fear, mistrust, and emotional separation. This is a hard problem to recover from without professional help.

My advice to you is to give the dog up until you’re able to care for him. And run, don’t walk, to a therapist. Find out if you have anger management issues or maybe a Bipolar disorder. Mood swings are a real problem for your dog, for you, and for your husband-to-be. There are wonderful programs to help you understand yourself and help yourself through the trying times. You don’t have to do it alone. The fact that you told me about it makes me believe you don’t really like being this way. You’d rather have love and tenderness in your life, not fear, you want them to love you.

Please, please, please give the dog to someone to care for until you are better. If you love your dog, you’ll do it today. Then go visit your general practitioner, your doctor can help you get the help you need by referring you to a good therapist.

When you visit your dog, hand feed him his meals and that’s all for now. Many experts have different opinions and mine is just one of those many. I’d suggest hand feeding and don’t try to pet yet. Earn his trust by not hitting him. When you have that trust, you can move on to petting and then to positive training.

When a dog is attacked by a human, mistrust and fear can begin. The dog doesn’t deliberately refuse your commands to make you angry or to get a beating; he more than likely doesn’t know what you want or doesn’t trust that you will act in kindness if he tries something, anything, for you, so he quits. Mistrust and fear can turn into biting and a very unhappy dog. It can be hard to recover from this. Do you realize that your dog could take your face off if he wanted to? And he didn’t. That tells me a great deal about your dog’s heart. It will take a long time of patient and trusting hands to get past this and on to a healthy relationship. It can happen.

I pray for you and your dog and for your husband-to-be. This world has too much danger, hate, abuse, war and however else we choose to hurt each other.

Don’t be embarrassed, this is more common than you think. You’re not the only one who is suffering; there are tons of people who have abuse issues. Get some help. And you know what, even if we don’t want to be in the same room with you right now, we’ll love you and pray for you anyway.